


Mamihlapinatapai (A Look Shared by Two..)

by searider_Falcon



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Eye Sex, F/M, Tension is sexy, frustration is delicious, my classic happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 05:34:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18794011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/searider_Falcon/pseuds/searider_Falcon
Summary: The tension is almost unbearable between Janeway and Chakotay. Kathryn’s life back on Earth is not as easy as she thought it would be.The title is strange, sure, but there is no English word for it, essentially it means: (n.): a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something they both desire but which neither wants to begin





	Mamihlapinatapai (A Look Shared by Two..)

**Author's Note:**

> The title is strange, sure, but there is no English word for it, essentially it means: (n.): a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something they both desire but which neither wants to begin. 
> 
> Also - I didn’t feel like dividing it up into chapter, so just deal. :p

Six months. Voyager had been home for six months. Kathryn Janeway still couldn’t quite wrap her head around it. She was grateful to be home. She was thrilled to see her mother and sister again. Kathryn felt relieved that the burden of responsibility for over one hundred people was no longer hers. While she wouldn’t trade being captain of Voyager for anything, she was tired and coming home gave her a chance to find herself again.

The role of captain came at steep price for her, a very steep price. Her ship was stranded, she lost crew members, a fiancé, and her friendship and potential relationship with a man she cared about beyond reason, was utterly destroyed. Kathryn sat with her first officer through two weeks of debriefings after Voyager returned. He was the perfect professional but the tension between them was so thick it was suffocating. On numerous occasions when they prepared for the next days debriefing, they would end up shouting at each other and he would storm out of her quarters. When the final debriefing was over and the stress of being interrogated was behind them Kathryn strongly believed that she and Chakotay would patch things up. But at the Welcome Home reception, she found out just how very wrong she was. Chakotay had arrived at the party with his arm securely around Seven of Nine’s waist. Kathryn’s older, future self warned her about it but Kathryn still felt blindsided. What hurt worse was the smug look of satisfaction Chakotay wore on his face when he saw her reaction. She avoided him as best she could, even as he flaunted his relationship in her face. Kathryn left the party early, hastily brushing tears from her face as she rushed out the door. She didn’t care if she could feel his eyes on her the whole way. 

So here she was, six months later, slowly getting her life back on track. She had kept in touch with most of the Voyager crew, especially those who remained on Earth. She saw her senior officers the most, with the exception of Chakotay and Seven. Tom and B’Elanna were her most frequent visitors and thankfully they both picked up on the fact that Chakotay was an off limits topic. Kathryn hadn’t spoken to her former first officer in six months and was happier for it. She reminded herself that not speaking to him or Seven would allow her time to heal from the deep hurt she felt from the formation of their relationship. Even if her heart ached for Chakotay’s companionship and the guiding advice she was so used to providing Seven. She pushed thoughts of them aside more often than she thought healthy. 

Kathryn spent time getting to know her sister, Phoebe, again and eventually agreed to go on a few dates Phoebe said would be good for her. Slowly Kathryn started to feel like Kathryn Janeway, the woman, not just Kathryn Janeway, the Captain of Voyager, which seemed to have a life of its own. Captain Janeway was a figurehead, a shell of the woman she was, the hero of Voyager, the protector of the crew. Kathryn, the woman, was trying to find the confident, self-assured, fearless woman she was. It took time but Kathryn felt as if she was on the cusp of something, some change and she desperately wanted it. 

She met Admiral Harrison West, a faculty member at Starfleet Academy and they hit it off. Funny enough, he was not one of Phoebe’s eligible bachelors she met. Harrison was someone who sought her out. Kathryn felt beautiful and desirable again from Harrison’s attention. It shocked her to realize that she felt she lost that part of herself. She certainly didn’t need to be dating Harrison to feel validated in anyway but the loss of Chakotay to a younger, beautiful woman, had struck her confidence in a way she had not expected. Harrison was a kind man, and like Kathryn, had devoted his entire life to Starfleet. He was tall with blond hair and blue eyes, the opposite of Chakotay. Kathryn’s relationship with Harrison was slow, something she had insisted on, claiming to need more time to adjust to being back on Earth. It wasn’t a complete lie, being on Earth and no longer being the Captain of Voyager, was quite an adjustment, but she also wasn’t sure she wanted to continue a relationship with Harrison. Kathryn’s heart was still hung up on Chakotay, not matter what she told herself or how many men she went to dinner with. Was if fair to Harrison to continue on if he wasn’t what she wanted? Harrison was a patient man, but Kathryn knew he would ask for more. Both her mother and sister, Phoebe pointed out to her one night at dinner. She was in love with Chakotay. Kathryn outright denied it out loud even though deep down inside she knew it was true. She had admitted that much to herself. Even if it was too late. 

 

———

Kathryn was in the turbolift at Starfleet Headquarters. She was reading a report covering the details of Voyager’s refit. She rode the lift down to the lobby. She decided, now that she was back on Earth, why should she be stuck inside her office all day? She made up her mind to read the report outside on the grounds. During her time back on Earth, Kathryn realized how much she missed the smell of flower and freshly trimmed grass. She spied a bench from her office window and hoped it would still be free when she reached it. Kathryn fully intended on enjoying the afternoon sun. Kathryn was so engrossed in her padd that when the lift stopped it surprised her to find that it hadn’t stopped at the lobby. Looking up she noticed it has stopped in between her office and the ground floor. The doors to the lift opened and revealed Chakotay. 

He was wearing a Starfleet uniform, Kathryn noticed that four pips sat on his collar. He had been promoted. If she wasn’t so shocked to see him, she would have felt proud for him. The promotion was warranted. He looked tanner, fitter, and as if he got a haircut recently. Kathryn would be lying to herself if she thought he didn’t look good. The two of them stared at each other, both too shocked to move. She couldn’t read his expression. His eyes were wide with surprise but his mouth was in a thin line, as if he was angry or trying to hold back words he wanted to say. 

Other Starfleet officers filed into the lift past Chakotay would stood in the middle of the doorway. Kathryn ripped her eyes away from his and quickly glanced back down to her padd. She stared, not seeing the words written on it. She could sense Chakotay enter the lift and turn his back to her. The lift started to move downward again and Kathryn frantically started to think of a plan. She couldn’t sit on her bench outside now. What if Chakotay left Headquarters. Would he stop to speak to her? What if he didn't? All she knew was that she wasn’t ready to see him. Wasn’t ready to talk to him. No matter how much the sight of him made her heart skip a beat and her stomach tie itself up in knots. A short time later, the lift slowed to a stop again. Kathryn glanced up quickly; the indicators on the turbolift said this stop was not the lobby. 

The doors opened and the small group of Starfleet officers filed out. Chakotay lingered behind. Kathryn stared at her padd. Go, her mind said. Stay, her heart screamed at him. She could see Chakotay glance at her out of the corner of her eye, but after a few seconds, he didn’t say anything and exited the lift. He joined the group of officers who exited first and Kathryn looked up just as the turbolift doors began to close. Her eyes locked with Chakotay’s. Still Kathryn was unable to read his expression. His face was serious and it unnerved her as well as made her feel sad that she wasn’t able to tell what he was thinking anymore. They held each other’s gaze until the turbolift doors obstructed their view. Kathryn leaned against the wall and let out the breath she was holding. She was definitely not ready for this. She rerouted the turbolift back to her office. 

“Admiral?” Her aide Decan said, when she returned to her office moments later. The young Vulcan male stood when she entered the room. 

“Don’t mind me,” she said and she hurried past his desk into her office space. 

Decan followed her and observed her silently as she sat down at her desk. 

“Are you alright?” he asked. 

Kathryn tapped the padd in her right hand against her left palm.

“You seem distressed,” Decan said. 

“You’re very astute, Decan,” Kathryn said with a hint of annoyed amusement in her voice. 

“Thank you, Admiral,” the Vulcan said. 

Kathryn rolled her eyes. 

“Were you able to meet with your first officer?” Dean asked. 

Kathryn looked at him in surprise. Had her aide progressed so much with his telepathy that he could read her mind now? 

“No, why do you ask?”

“He stopped by earlier this morning but you were meeting with Admiral Harrison for breakfast, so I told him you were not in,” Decan said. 

What? Kathryn thought. Chakotay stopped by her office? Why?

“Did you tell him why I wasn’t here?” she said. Kathryn doubted that Chakotay knew about her relationship with Harrison. She hadn’t exactly made it public knowledge and she wasn’t sure if she wanted Chakotay to know. It wasn’t as if their relationship was a secret. It was all very childish and Kathryn regretted asking Decan the question. The Vulcan seemed unfazed by her adolescent questioning. 

“No, Admiral. I simply said that you were not in your office.”

“Good,” Kathryn said nodding. 

Decan stood in front of her desk, hands clasped behind his back. 

“If you did not meet with your first officer, then why do you seem distressed?” Dean asked. 

“Former, first officer,” Kathryn corrected, “And I’m fine. I just saw him in the turbolift and…and I’m not sure if I’m ready to speak with him, that’s all.”

It felt strange trying to explain to a Vulcan how and why she was avoiding Chakotay but it felt good to say it out loud for a change. Despite being a man who suppressed his emotions, Decan was very attuned to hers. 

“If you are avoiding your former first officer, then I shall assist you,” he said. 

“That’s not exactly in your job description,” Kathryn said. 

“On the contrary, I have observed that your productivity is directly affected by your emotional state. Your encounter with your former first officer has caused you distress and therefore has not allowed you to finish the report on Voyager’s refit,” Decan explained. 

Kathryn raised an eyebrow, impressed, “Like I said, very astute,” she said, waving the padd at him. 

Decan nodded and returned to his desk. Kathryn turned to look out the window of her office just in time to see the group of Starfleet officer and Chakotay exit the building. She watched as the group shook hands with Chakotay and they all parted ways. 

That night, Kathryn agreed to have dinner with B’Elanna. It was a girl’s night, as Tom called it. While he and Harry spent a night out on the town. B’Elanna rolled her eyes at Tom as she said goodbye. She and B’Elanna of them chatted mostly about how B’Elanna was adjusting to her new job at Starfleet Engineering and Tom working as a test pilot. They both felt that it would be better for Miral if they remained on Earth, at least until she was a little older. Kathryn was glad that the pair of them found each other and made a life for themselves. They had both come such a long way that Kathryn found herself gushing with pride. Tom and B’Elanna had just moved out of Admiral Paris’ home and although B’Elanna got along fine with her in-laws and they adored Miral, it was just time they got a place of their own, she said. Kathryn didn’t blame her. She smiled inwardly when she thought, what if I had to live with Mark’s family...if things were different. It would have cramped several ways Kathryn liked to be bothered...and her mind drifted to a usual fantasy, Chakotay in her gothic holonovel...Kathryn quickly snapped her thoughts back to the present. 

When they finished dinner, they sat on the floor with Miral. She was staring wide-eyed at the building blocks B’Elanna was stacking in front of her. Kathryn sipped a cup of coffee and watched as Miral knocked the neatly stacked tower of blocks that B’Elanna built. The blocks fell to the floor and Kathryn chuckled while B’Elanna shook her head. 

“It’s the Klingon part of her,” she said, “Can’t wait to knock something down.”

Kathryn smiled, “It’s adorable.”

The two of them watched as Miral grabbed a block with a cubby fist and promptly try to put it in her mouth. B’Elanna negotiated the block away from Miral. 

“Have you heard from Chakotay?” Kathryn asked before she could stop herself. 

B’Elanna looked at her in surprised, a hint of a smile on her face. 

“I thought we weren’t talking about him,” she said. 

“We’re not,” Kathryn said. She shook her head, “Forget I mentioned it.”

The pair of them fell silent as they watched Miral try to reach another block. 

“He went to Dorvan for a while to see his sister. I haven’t talked to him recently,” B’Elanna said as if unable to contain herself. 

“Hmm,” Kathryn said, deliberately not making eye contact with B’Elanna. The two of them worked together long enough to know when a subject was done. There was no more talk of Chakotay that evening. Which was good because Miral chose that moment to start throwing the blocks. Both Kathryn and B’Elanna ducked out of the way as Miral laughed. 

“I told you,” said B’Elanna, “Klingon.” 

 

———

 

The next morning Kathryn arrived at her office, ready to focus on work. She was notified late last night that the Voyager refit was moving along smoothly and that they needed her to stop by McKinley Station to review some of the repairs. Kathryn notified Decan of the change in schedule and in true Vulcan fashion Decan immediately began rescheduling her day. Kathryn was anxious to get back on Voyager. After lunch, Kathryn and Decan beamed to McKinley station and made their way to Voyager. They entered a turbolift to make their way to Engineering when another Starfleet officer joined them. Chakotay entered the lift. Kathryn froze and Decan shot her a sideways glance. Chakotay stood on the other side of Decan, he turned and faced the doors. They rode the lift in awkward silence and Kathryn was relieved when the doors opened to a very full engineering. They exited the lift and Kathryn was immediately approached by the leader of the Voyager refit project. Commander John Carter was very much an engineer and Kathryn appreciated his attention to detail and care he took with her beloved ship, but his people skills were not great. Kathryn took the first opportunity to escape his monotonous explanations and walk around the warp core. She paused by a control panel and ran her hand over the metal railing, as if reacquainting herself with Voyager, just by touch. 

Decan called over to her and Kathryn rejoined the group. As they all stood around the chief engineer’s station. Kathryn could not help herself and she glanced up at Chakotay who stood on the opposite side of the console. He raised his gaze to look at her. His eyes locked with hers. His face stoney and she was sure hers was the same. She looked away as she felt a blush creep up over her cheeks. There was something about Chakotay’s serious angry warrior stare that made her stomach do flip flops. It always has. She looked back at him, attempting to covertly study him as the engineering team rehashed what was already in the refit report. Chakotay must have been attempting to do the same. His brow furrowed a little as he watched her. She could see his shoulders move up and down and Kathryn couldn’t tell if it was from trying to control his anger or something else. Her mind travelled away again as her gaze fell to his lips. Chakotay joining her in her gothic holonovel...a forbidden love story between the governess and the widowed father...

“Admiral,” said Decan. 

Kathryn immediately looked to Decan and she knew this time she was blushing and not from getting caught staring.

“If you have nothing to add, we are free to leave for Starfleet Headquarters.” 

Inwardly thanking Decan for his almost Tuvok like concern for her well-being, she replied, “Nothing to add. Your team did exceptionally well Commander Carter.” 

Commander Carter looked pleased and offered to escort Kathryn back to the transporter room. He bustled over to her and keep talking in his montone but this time a little quicker - perhaps her compliment made him excited. 

Kathryn told herself to turn and leave. Don’t look back she told herself but her body betrayed her. She cast another glance over to Chakotay. He hung back but his dark eyes found her through the gaggle of engineers. Kathryn’s heart pounded in her chest. How could this man have this kind of affect on her? Especially now, after their relationship seemingly had fallen apart. But he kept his gazed trained on hers and almost took a step toward him but the mental image of Chakotay’s arm around Seven’s waist pulled her back to reality. She frowned and Chakotay opened his mouth to speak but Decan intervened once again. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to thank Decan this time or shoo him away. 

“Admiral,” he called and Kathryn turned to join him, leaving Chakotay standing alone by the warp core. 

———

The next few days, Kathryn hoped to get a lot of work done in the office, however, she found her thoughts drifting away from reports and to Chakotay. He had stopped by her office twice and Decan had deflected him away both times, claiming she was unavailable or not in the office when indeed, she was. She could hear Chakotay’s frustration with the young Vulcan each time he refused to let him see her. She felt slightly guilty for treating him this way, but she told herself it was for the best. Seeing him, hearing Chakotay demand to be let into her office, was keeping the wound of his betrayal freshly open. And that’s what it felt like, betrayal. Her mind kept going back to this promise on New Earth, the time they spent sailing on Lake George on the holodeck, the many dinners they shared. It hurt badly to think of them, so she felt perfectly justified denying him entry to her office. Besides, she told herself, it wasn’t her idea anyway. It was Decan’s. He was the one who said she wasn’t there. Decan decided that it was for the best too and who was she to argue with Vulcan logic. 

Although Chakotay had stopped by twice before, Kathryn was still surprised when he stopped by again later that week. She stood near the door this time, listening to his conversation with Decan. 

“I’m sorry sir but the Admiral is not in,” Decan said. 

“Do you know when she’ll be back?” Chakotay asked. 

“I believe the Admiral has left for the day,” said Decan. 

“Then why are you still here?” Chakotay demanded. He was annoyed, Kathryn could tell by the tone of his voice. 

“I routinely plan the Admiral’s schedule for the next day after she leaves,” Decan replied. 

She heard Chakotay sigh and she could almost picture him turn away from the Vulcan in frustration, as he did with her often when they were on Voyager. 

“Are you sure she’s not here?” Chakotay said. 

She could almost hear Decan’s eyebrow raise at the question. 

“The admiral is not here,” he said shortly. 

“How long is she planning on keeping this up?” Chakotay almost shouted. She knew he was raising his voice so she would hear him. She wasn’t fooling him. 

“I do not believe the Admiral is planning anything,” Decan said, in true Vulcan deadpan. 

“Well then, why don’t you call me when she is here. I’ll stop by then,” Chakotay said. His voice was dangerous now, accusatory, much like he was when he first joined her crew all those years ago. 

“I am afraid I can not do that,” Decan said. 

“Why the hell not?” Chakotay demanded. 

“The Admiral’s schedule is by appointment only,” said Decan. 

“Fine,” Chakotay finally said and she heard him storm out. 

“Good night, sir,” Decan called after him. 

Kathryn leaned against the wall of her office. Part of her wanted Chakotay to give up. To stop torturing her while another part desperately wanted him to keep showing up, keep demanding to see her. That small part of her gave her hope. She knew it was childish, almost like a school-girl hope but for a few seconds, she felt good. 

Kathryn was unable to sleep that night. Her thoughts dwelled on Chakotay and his outburst toward Decan. She wondered why he stopped by. What was so urgent that he practically broke down her door to speak with her about. Her thoughts lead her to a very unpleasant idea. Something the future older Janeway alluded to. Chakotay was going to marry Seven of Nine and perhaps the reason he was so adamant on speaking with her was he wanted her to officiate the ceremony. Another tortuous stab of pain ran through her. After awhile she gave up on sleep and headed into the office for a early start. She beat Decan, which was a rare occurrence. Although Vulcan’s didn’t express emotion, Decan prided himself on his ability to anticipate her needs and usually arrived early to help prepare her day. 

Kathryn punched in the code to the outer office door and unlocked the inner office door leading to her space from Decan’s desk. 

“Computer, lights,” she said, as she entered the door. 

Kathryn went straight to the replicator to order a cup of coffee when moment caught her eye. She jumped and whirled around. 

“Chakotay!” She said, clutching her chest, “What the hell are you doing here?” 

“I’m here to talk to you,” he said. 

He stood in front of her couch looking at her. 

“How did you get in here?” Kathryn asked. 

“I still have a few tricks I learned as a Maquis,” he said. 

“You had no right to break into my office,” Kathryn said. 

She moved to stand behind her desk. With the desk between them, it felt more familiar, like they were back on Voyager having another command disagreement. 

“How did you know I would be here?”

“I didn’t,” he admitted. 

“So what, you would just wait here? Decan would kick you out,” said Kathryn. 

Chakotay snorted as if to say that that wasn’t likely. This only infuriated Kathryn more. 

“If you have something to say to me, you can make an appointment, Captain,” she said emphasizing his rank.   
Chakotay’s eyes flashed with anger as he looked at her. He stepped closer to her desk and braced himself against it. 

“Oh you’re all about appointments aren’t you?” Chakotay said, his voice dripping with disdain, “Tell me Kathryn, did you tell him to keep all Voyager crew members out or do I alone hold that special honor?” 

“Everyone makes..”

“Bullshit,” Chakotay said, “B’Elanna, Tom, Harry, hell, even the Doctor, never made appointments to see you.” 

“How do you know?” Kathryn spat back at him. 

“I’ve seen your appointment log,” Chakotay said. 

Kathryn was dumbfounded. 

“You’ve read my logs?” she said in disbelief. 

“I know that not one single Voyager crew member had to make an appointment to see you and now you’ve recruited your aide to keep me out. I didn’t think you would be so cold-hearted Kathryn,” Chakotay said. 

Kathryn stood, stunned at his words. If he only knew just how much his words, his actions, have hurt her, he would never had said she was cold-hearted. They stared at each other. Kathryn was fuming with angry, aching with her attraction to the man before but still she said nothing. Her eyes travelled all over his face. Chakotay’s jaw was set, he has breathing hard with anger and dark eyes were crinkled in frustration. They stared until Chakotay turned and looked away. 

“I had to do something to get your attention,” Chakotay said, “You’ve ignored me every chance you got.”

He started to pace and still Kathryn said nothing. She was dreading the moment where he would state the reason he was here to talk to her and yet she desperately wanted it to be over and done with. Chakotay stopped pacing at the sound of her voice. 

“I’ve been busy” she said. Her voice was quiet, low, and to Kathryn’s ears, vulnerable. 

Chakotay looked at her. His dark eyes meeting hers.

“Right,” Chakotay said in disbelief, “Not so busy to spend time with Admiral West.”

At her shocked reaction, Chakotay continued, “I saw the two of you at the Academy mess. I guess congratulations are in order.”

He looked as if just speaking the words disgusted him and Kathryn felt a new wave of anger rise up inside her. How dare he be angry with her choice to meet up with Harrison and for breakfast. It wasn’t as if they were fated to be married, Harrison was just...what? Her mind taunted her as the word, “placeholder” circled around her head. It wasn’t fair to Harrison but Kathryn was too stubborn to admit that to Chakotay. Not now. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, “Besides, why would you care?” 

He looked at her as if that was the most stupid question he had ever heard. 

“Seven?” Kathryn continued, dreading his response. 

Chakotay glared at her, his face falling into very serious frown, his jaw set. 

“I’m not here to talk about that,” he said through gritted teeth. 

“Then why…” Kathryn started again, exasperated. 

“Admiral?” 

Both Chakotay and Kathryn looked toward her office door. Decan stood just inside of it, holding a padd. Chakotay threw Kathryn an annoyed look and brushed past Decan, muttered a last minute, “Excuse me” as he bumped the Vulcan’s shoulder. He left the room leaving Kathryn confused and fuming. 

“I apologize if seeing your first officer caused you distress,” Decan said. He handed her the padd he was holding and left for the outer office. Kathryn slammed the padd down on her desk. So much for a productive day, she thought. 

 

Kathryn was out to dinner with Harrison later that night. The conversation between them had been stifled by Kathryn’s unpleasant mood. She was sorry if it made Harrison uncomfortable but it wasn’t easy getting her argument with Chakotay out of her head.

After eyeing her for several minutes, Harrison asked, “There’s a dance at the Academy coming up. It’s actually the Sadie Hawkins’ Dance, so I’m bucking tradition by asking, but it could be fun. Would you like to go?”

Kathryn didn’t answer right away. Chakotay, who now worked at the Academy, would surely invite Seven and since seeing Chakotay and Seven together was the last thing she wanted, she had half a mind to say no. 

Sensing her hesitation, Harrison said, “Come on, it’ll be mostly cadets and since I’m so popular with them, I figured, why not? A few of my colleagues will be there as well, so we’ll have peers to talk to. It’ll be fun and you seem a little stressed lately.” 

Kathryn couldn’t argue with that. This entire situation with Chakotay had caused her more stress than she was willing to admit. 

“Come on,” Harrison said with a smile, attempting to charm her. She found that Harrison smile was pleasant but it lacked dimples...Chakotay’s smile had dimples. 

Kathryn straightened her shoulders as she looked at him. Harrison was handsome and funny, perhaps she should go if she wanted to progress their relationship further. She smiled at Harrison, “Alright, I’ll go,” she said. 

Harrison looked truly pleased, “Great! It’s Sunday night. Pick something fancy to wear,” he adds with a wink. 

———

Sunday night, Kathryn arrived at the dance with Harrison. He was right, there were mostly cadets. Those in attendance did double takes as Kathryn walked by. A few whispered as she past. 

“Hero worship,” Harrison whispered teasingly. 

Kathryn politely smiled but the hero worship bothered her. She wasn’t a legend like Captain Kirk - or she told herself she wasn’t. She was famous amongst the cadets. She was cornered by a few of them and asked about her experiences on Voyager. Tonight, Kathryn spent most of her evening being introduced to Harrison’s Academy colleagues. It wasn’t exactly what Kathryn would have called fun, despite Harrison’s assurance. It was the same routine every time, Kathryn had to answer the same questions over and over.

Yes, it was difficult being stranded in the Delta quadrant.   
No, she wouldn’t change a day.  
Kathryn had to defend her former Maquis crew members more often than she felt she should have to. The pattern of questioning soon became exhausting. Luckily, Harrison noticed this and whisked her away for a dance. She had been enjoying herself, letting Harrison lead her around the dance floor. She didn’t mind that he occasionally said hello to some of his students as they danced nearby. She did the mind the stares from the cadets. She would never get used to that. 

They stopped in the middle of the dance floor and began dancing to a slow song when a voice spoke behind her, “May I cut in?”

Kathryn turned to see Chakotay standing there. Before she could stop herself or look to see Harrison’s reaction, she said, “Yes.”

Kathryn let go of Harrison. Who stepped back looking dumbfounded. With her eyes never leaving Chakotay’s, Kathryn watched as he stepped in front of her. Harrison stood awkwardly next to them. Kathryn placed a hand on Chakotay’s shoulder and felt her heart skip a beat when Chakotay grasped her other hand with his. Harrison smiled with a hint of annoyance but left the dance floor without a word. 

Chakotay wrapped an arm around Kathryn’s waist and pulled her close. Much closer than Harrison did. She had to tilt her chin up to look Chakotay in the face. They locked eyes again and stared at each other as Chakotay started to sway in time with the music. 

“I figured you couldn’t start shouting at me here,” Chakotay said. 

“Afraid I’d make a scene?” Kathryn shot back. 

“I wouldn’t want to embarrass you in front of your boyfriend,” Chakotay said icily. 

“He’s not…” Kathryn started but her voiced failed her. 

Chakotay glared at her and continued, “What do you see in him anyway?” he said, “I saw you two tonight. He paraded you around like you were a prize.”

“He introduced me to some of his colleagues.”

“All he cares about is what makes him look good. Having Starfleet’s Golden Girl on his arm makes him look good,” Chakotay stated, “Harrison is all about appearances and he would never care for you the way you want.”

“Harrison wouldn’t do that?” Kathryn said angrily, knowing full well that by tonight demonstration, Harrison clearly liked the attention that same with her accompanying him to the dance. It sounded so...high school. Then Kathryn flared with anger as another thought occurred to her. Did her think she was being played for a fool and what...he was swooping in a rescuing her...“I can take care of myself.” 

“That’s how he sees you,” Chakotay said. He danced them around a few cadets and to the corner of the dance floor. 

“I don’t see how any of it is your business,” Kathryn said. 

Chakotay pulled her closer and looked down at her. She met his gaze and she was reminded of the moment they first met on Voyager’s bridge. When she stepped up between him and Tom Paris and looked Chakotay squarely in the eye. She had been attracted to him from the beginning and now, looking into his eyes, she knew that her attraction had only deepened. She wanted him. Her eyes went to his lips then snapped back up to met his eyes again. He caught her in the act and they stopped swaying. Neither of them moved, neither of them letting go of the other. Kathryn’s heart was pounding and she felt her face get hot from his gaze. 

“Kathryn,” he said, his voice low as a whisper. 

Kathryn snapped back to reality and quickly let go of him. Before he could say anything, she stepped away. Chakotay grabbed her wrist but let go when she shot him a glare. Kathryn left the dance floor and as she did, she barely caught a glimpse of Harrison’s angry expression. She did see the smirk Chakotay gave Harrison as he walked away. Smug bastard she thought and she pushed open the balcony doors. 

Kathryn found refuge on the balcony. It was quiet and vacant. She leaned against the railing, letting the cool breeze calm her hot skin. What was going on? Kathryn could feel how warm Chakotay was next to her, she felt his ragged breath and pounding heartbeat. What was he doing dancing with her? What did it all mean? And where was Seven? Shouldn’t she be accompanying him to an event like this? Kathryn sighed but smiled when she saw Harrison join her outside. Her smile faltered when she saw his serious expression. 

“So, you want to tell me what that was all about?” Harrison said. 

“What what was all about?” said Kathryn. 

“Your first officer.”

“Former first officer,” Kathryn corrected him which seemed to make Harrison angrier, “And I’m not going to talk about him,” Kathryn said crossing her arms. 

“Well, I think we need to,” Harrison said. 

Kathryn placed her hands on her hips, “ I don’t need to explain myself to you,” she said. 

Harrison sighed, “Were you ever going to tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That you’re in love with your first officer,” Harrison said flatly. 

Kathryn was so unprepared to hear those words this evening and from Harrison no less that she didn’t say anything. Was she that transparent? Harrison was quiet for quite some time before nodding his head as if coming to a silent conclusion. 

“I don’t think there’s any reason to continue this,” he said. 

“Harrison...” Kathryn began intending on arguing against his statement but she stopped. If Chakotay’s assessment was correct and his instincts about people (except for Seska) were usually good, then Kathryn would not find any happiness with Harrison. Not to mention, he wasn’t who she wanted anyway. 

“If you think it’s for the best,” said Kathryn. 

She was met with Harrison’s silence. 

“I’m going to go,” said Kathryn and she walked past him, “Good night Harrison.”

“Good night,” he said quietly. 

Kathryn reentered the ballroom and expertly avoided Chakotay’s eyes. A few of Harrison’s colleagues and several groups of cadets stopped her to chat as she tried to make her way to the door. It was another half and hour before Kathryn finally made her escape. She excused herself from a group of second year cadets who all look so young to her eyes and quickly left the ballroom. Kathryn strolled outside on the grounds for a while. The moonlight illuminating the paths through the gardens. Part of her secretly hope Chakotay would join her but Kathryn knew full well that any conversation they would have to eventually lead to the an argument. No other relationship in her life was ever so volatile. Why? 

As she made her way to the tram that would take her back to her apartment complex. Why was everything so difficult with Chakotay. First she fought her attraction to him. All those years ago on New Earth when she first noticed the way she admired his muscles hidden beneath his shirt or his dimpled smile, she attempted to push her attraction aside. As the years went on the tension between them built and built. Until now. It was so strong that they could barely spend five minutes with each other before they were at each other’s throats. 

Kathryn return to her apartment. She took off her heels and sat on the couch. All that she could hear with the grandfather clock ticking away the seconds. She sighed. Her homecoming was not at all what she imagined it would be. With that, she thought a large bowl of coffee ice cream seemed like a good idea tonight. 

———-

Finally, it was Friday. Kathryn had just finished an all day meeting at Starfleet Headquarters and was ready for a reprieve. She enjoyed her work but after everything that happened recently, her breakup with Harrison, another argument with Chakotay and a somber night gorging on coffee ice cream, she craved some time alone. The meeting was held in a large seminar room with what felt like every admiral in Starfleet. Despite being tired, Kathryn lingered afterwards to ideally chat with Admiral Paris. His fatherly affection toward her always lifted her spirits. 

“Tom said you split with Harrison,” Owen Paris said. 

“Yes,” said Kathryn as the two of them walked to a bank of turbolifts. 

“Are you alright?” Owen asked with concern. . 

“Oh, I’m fine,” Kathryn assured him, “Really, I’m not even upset about it.” 

This was true. Her break up with Harrison felt more like a relief than anything else. She wanted to say how she wasn’t really fine. That her former first officer was causing all sorts of trouble. Just not the trouble a Starfleet Admiral could fix. It wasn’t even something she seemed to be able to fix. 

“Well, as long as you’re okay,” Owen said. 

There was a long pause between them. Kathryn pressed a control panel that called for a lift and said, “I am.”

“Owen!” A booming voice called from behind them. 

They both turned to see Admiral Burton standing at the end of the hall, beckoning for Admiral Paris to join him. Owen shrugged at Kathryn. He placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder and with a smile, turned to join Admiral Burton. Kathryn entered the turbolift, alone, and descended to the lobby. 

The lift came to a halt and Kathryn was surprised it had stopped at the floor to her office. She thought for a second she had mistakenly said the wrong floor. She was letting her mind wander too much in turbolift. The doors opened and Chakotay stood in the doorway. He stepped through as he looked at her. Kathryn leaned against the wall and Chakotay took his place opposite her. Kathryn felt her pulse quicken, as it usually did in his presence. She looked at the floor. She couldn’t do this. This was too much. She couldn’t bear the thought of him with Seven. She hated that they were fighting. She missed his friendship but seeing him, having him so close like he was the night of the dance, it was torture. She wanted more than she had any right to ask for. She would have to end this, whatever their association could be classified as. But her voice failed her. Her heart couldn’t do it even if her mind screamed at her that it was an act of self preservation. 

“So this is it, then. You’re just going to ignore me?” Chakotay said. 

“Don’t Chakotay,” Kathryn said quietly. 

He took a step closer to her, “Why do you keep pushing me away?” he asked. 

“I’m not the one who disappeared after the debriefings,” she said, looking anywhere except his eyes. 

“Oh, so this is my fault?” he said, the anger rising in his voice another argument building between them. 

“You think it’s mine?” Kathryn said. 

She did look at him now, glaring even as he took another step toward her. 

“I wasn’t the one who broke into someone’s office and read secure logs. I didn’t sabotage a happy relationship…”

“Is that what you think I did?” Chakotay said. 

“Well we’re not together anymore, so you tell me,” said Kathryn. 

Kathryn continued to glare at him, her eyes flashing. 

“Lobby,” Kathryn said and the turbolift resumed, “and I’m not the one dating someone half my age,” she snapped. 

Her voice shook and for a moment, Chakotay’s snide expression faltered. It was a low blow and completely selfish of her but she needed to say it. She wanted Chakotay to know how much she hated the idea of him dating Seven even if her statement was full of vile thinly veiled contempt. The two of them were standing so close Kathryn could smell Chakotay’s aftershave and a musky scent that she always associated with humans males. He looked down at her. They were both breathing heavily with anger. She could almost feel the sparks fly between them. She studied his face. Her eyes tracing his tattoo and his full lips. She felt as if he was undressing her with is eyes. Had he somehow tapped into her gothic fantasy romance? 

Then suddenly, she was pressed against the wall of the lift. Chakotay’s lips were on hers, crushing her mouth to his. His body pressed her hard against the wall. Kathryn’s hand automatically went to his hair and she angrily kissed him back. Oh how she wanted this. For years she thought about it and now here he was, in a turbolift, his kisses bruising and fierce. Chakotay ran his rans all over her body, sliding down her ribcage to her hips, to cup and squeeze her ass before sliding back up to grope her breast. Kathryn moaned and thrust her tongue into his mouth. 

Their tongues met and Chakotay whimpered as he pressed her more forcefully against the wall, grinding his body against hers. He thrust his hips into hers as she pulled him to her for another kiss. He was practically dry humping her in the turbolift. The thought excited Kathryn as much as it snapped her back to reality. What were they doing? As the lift slowed, Kathryn pushed him away. Inches were between them. She could feel Chakotay’s breath against her cheek. 

“Computer, halt turbolift,” Chakotay said. They were probably only a few feet away from the ground floor but the lift stopped and it seemed as time had as well. 

Everything passed in looks between them. Even from their very first day they met on the bridge. Her gaze won over his that day and he acquiesced to her authority. Throughout the years they shared unspoken opinions and looks of concern with just their eyes but nothing compared Kathryn to the look Chakotay gave her now. His dark eyes held depths of desire that made her legs shake. Kathryn braced herself against the wall of the lift for support. 

Chakotay lowered his head again and captured her lips with her. He was slow at first but Kathryn had no desire for slow. This was years in the making. She attacked his mouth and she felt Chakotay groaned. He pressed her back against the wall again and every nerve ending in Kathryn’s body rejoiced at the feeling of him so close. Her hands roamed over the expanse of his chest. Chakotay’s hands were roaming too and soon they had worked Kathryn up so much that she found she wanted to move on to the main event, consequences be damned. Her hands flew to his pants and unfastened them before Chakotay could object. Not that he would, considering how he was thrusting his hips against hers again. He kissed her again and Kathryn put a hand to his chest. Chakotay pulled back to look at her. Kathryn looked directly into his eyes and she unfastened her own pants. She could have sworn Chakotay’s eyes darkened with desire. Just like her gothic romance holonovel. As soon as finished lowering the zipper of her pants, Chakotay pounced. His hands slipped over her hips. He kissed her as he hands pushed her pants and panties down her legs. Kathryn clutched his shoulders as she kicked the offending clothing free of her legs. It might not have looked glamorous, half naked still wearing her boots and she was pretty sure one of her pant legs was caught on the heel of her boots but she didn’t care. 

Chakotay lifted her in his arms and pushed her against the wall. His chest pressing up against her breasts in the most delicious way. Kathryn want to rid him of the rest of his clothing but there wasn’t time. She needed to feel him inside her. Now. She wrapped her legs around Chakotay’s waist. She clutched this shoulders and the nape of his neck. Their eyes met and with a powerful thrust, Chakotay was inside her. Kathryn cried out but her eyes never left his. Chakotay grimaced in pleasure and the concentration of giving her time to adjust to his sudden intrusion. It probably was the best idea to head to the main even with such little preparation, especially since it had been so long since she was intimate with a man, but Kathryn didn’t care. This was what she wanted and it was finally happening. She caressed Chakotay’s neck and placed a hand to the side of his head, keeping his gaze locked on hers. 

Without a word, he moved. Her gaze giving him the permission he needed. Chakotay’s hands had a death grip of her thighs. He started slow but as he did, Kathryn was sure he would read her feral expression in her eyes. Not needing any words of encouragement, Chakotay started to move faster. His hips snapping and he plunged in and out of her. Kathryn gasped in pleasure, her arm bracing herself on his shoulders and other hand caressing his face. His dark eyes were dilated with desire and she was sure hers were too. The more they crashed against each other, their hips slapping in an primal rhythm that seemed to heighten her desire, Kathryn felt the intensity of Chakotay’s stare increase. It was as if everything in their entire experience together was pouring out of him. It was all too much. Her body tingled, it grew taught. Her nails dug into Chakotay’s shoulders. Her orgasm coursed through her and Chakotay followed close behind. Kathryn let her head fall back against the lift wall. Chakotay’s rested in the crook of her neck. She felt him pressed his lips to her pulse point in a drawn out kiss. 

They were motionless for a few moments. Their bodies cooling from the cycled air in the turbolift. With a gasp everything came crashing back to the forefront of Kathryn’s mind. She just had sex with her first officer in a turbolift at Starfleet headquarters. What was she thinking? She pushed Chakotay back. He staggered backwards. She bent down and dressed quickly. Negotiating her pant leg past her boot once more. She saw Chakotay zip and adjust his pants out of the corner of her eye. 

This was a mistake. He was going to marry Seven. Her older self told her as such. This would make things more complicated and more painful. She had to get out of this lift. She needed to get away from Chakotay. 

“Computer, resume,” said Kathryn, breathing quickly with anxiety and the aftershocks of her orgasm. 

“Kathryn,” said Chakotay. He tried to get her attention but she couldn’t look at him. She had to get out of this space. She needed breathing room. 

Kathryn slipped past him frantically, exiting the lift as soon as the doors opened. She ran outside and despite a heavy rain storm, rushed away from what just happened. Chakotay ran after her. He shouted her name over the falling rain. 

“Kathryn!” Chakotay called. 

She kept going. He caught up with her. 

“Kathryn” he shouted again, much closer. 

She felt him grab her arm. He was drenched, his dark hair falling onto his forehead. 

“We need to talk,” he said over the rain, not letting go of her arm. 

“Here?!” she said in disbelief. 

“It’s a good a place as any,” he said. 

She stared at him, blinking in as fat raindrops hit her face. 

“Well,” she said. 

“I’m not going to let you ignore what just happened,” he said. 

“That was a mistake,” she shouted. 

Chakotay blinked, “No, it wasn’t,” he shouted back. 

“Is this some kind of game for you? Haven’t you hurt me enough?” she said, pulling her arm away from him and started to walk away from him. If she could get to her apartment, she could shut him out and this hurtful conversation would be over. 

“Haven’t we hurt each other enough?” he said, following her. 

Chakotay grabbed her arm again. 

“What do you want?” shouted Kathryn. 

“I want to talk about us,” Chakotay said. 

Kathryn reached her apartment door and turned to face him. 

“There is no us, Chakotay. You made that very clear.”

“I want there to be” he said. 

“It took you six months to figure that out?” spat Kathryn. 

Chakotay’s face darkened but didn’t respond. 

“I’m going home,” she said. 

“We’re not finished yet,” said Chakotay. 

He pushed past her and stepped in front of her, blocking her path. Kathryn wanted to punch him in the jaw. She was so angry at him she didn’t know what she wanted. He was so infuriating. This dance they did around each other was so confusing. She loved him but she wasn’t going to be the one to say it first. He made the choice to pick someone else and now they just had sex in a most inappropriate place and she didn’t regret it. Even if she did claim it was a mistake. 

“Kathryn,” Chakotay said, “Please.” 

His voice sounded defeated and a crack formed in Kathryn’s anger. 

“I can’t keep doing this Chakotay,” said Kathryn her anger deflating and leaving her feeling exhausted. 

She was soaking wet just outside her apartment. The heavy rain made her cold and she shivered. Chakotay took a step forward. 

“We need to talk. What happened…that wasn’t a mistake,” said Chakotay. Kathryn made to interject but he kept going. He reached out to her and placed his hands on her shoulders, “It wasn’t. You and me...I think we’ve danced around what we want from each other for too long. So here it is. I want you. I love you. I want more.” 

Kathryn stood frozen in shock. This was what she wanted, right? Why wasn’t she more happy?

“I’m still angry with you,” said Kathryn. 

The corners of Chakotay’s mouth quirked up, “You’ve been angry with me before.”

He moved closer to her. A fat raindrop rolled down his nose and fell to the ground. Kathryn studied his wet face. Chakotay was right. They had their fair share of arguments and plenty of disagreements over the years and yet they always came back together. The two of them always found a way to work together again. They had to when they were in the Delta quadrant. Now on Earth, things were different. Their anger wasn’t professional. It wasn’t a disagreement. It was something more. Personal and intense and the only way to resolve it was to…

Kathryn reached up and cupped the back of Chakotay’s head with her hand. She pulled him down to her and kissed him. For a second she wondered if she had ever kissed anyone in the rain before but the thought slipped away as Chakotay’s rain slick skin pressed against hers. He pulled her close and their sopping wet clothes acting as barriers that left Kathryn frustrated. She stepped backward and dragged Chakotay with her. Kathryn’s back hit her the door to her apartment complex. Chakotay pressed her against it as they kissed. She broke their kiss and Chakotay rested his forehead on her shoulder. Kathryn clung to him and kissed his temple. It might not have solved all their problems but it helps sooth her anger enough to think clearly. Chakotay raised his head to look at her. His eyes searching hers for the words she so desperately wanted to say. 

“I love you,” Kathryn whispered to him. 

“I know,” Chakotay said, “I’ve waited so long to hear you say that. I know we’ve both made choices that hurt each other and we do need to talk more but I know this. We’re supposed to be together and I want to do whatever it takes if it means I can be by your side for the rest of my life.”

“I may not make it easy,” said Kathryn. 

“I would’ve have it any other way,” said Chakotay. 

Kathryn smirked up at him. Lightning flashed around them. 

“We should get inside,” said Kathryn “and get you out of those clothes.” 

“Yours are wet too,” said Chakotay. 

“Indeed they are,” said Kathryn as she opened the door to her apartment building and tugged Chakotay by the hand to follow her, “and I may need assistance, Captain.” 

It was strange using his new rank but she smiled. Chakotay grinned back. 

“I think I can handle that, after all I’ve been lightening your burdens for seven years.” 

Kathryn laughed. The roller coaster of their relationship was turbulent but right now, happiness was all she felt and she was going to cling to it and never let it go. When they reached the door to her apartment unit Kathryn looked over her shoulder. Chakotay's eyes met hers. In that moment they shared something unspoken. Something so tangible it didn’t need words. It was a communication of souls and the happiness she saw in the Chakotay’s eyes made her heart swell with love. Her angry warrior was by her side again. It felt right, it felt complete and like she was finally whole.


End file.
